Deep in a dream on a long night

hello you?

2009-03-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a loooooong time since I was here last, having just recovered this blog after a two year hiatus! I have still achieved little but marriage which probably is not so shabby after all. what can one say? I have been twitting like a fool so now feel that everything I write should be short..........durrrrr. I need to get back into practice so bye for now..........

2006-06-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

So that is so weird. I thought YOU would be long long gone and I checked it all up and will you stay forever? I havent been in touch in a year I guess now and I have been so crazed and fucked out....I am a prick and I need to get the hell away. its not near right or good to be around. I have no work but I must write and I have no inspiration at all...how depressing! I have found out some crap about a man I used to fuck and it is both disgusting and selfish all at once, not that these things are mutually exclusive you know but by the by, it reminds me once again how outrageously unrelentless and unreasonable I am capable of being. Where will I be next year.....one can only hazard a guess! Dead with a bit of hope. Seriously

You came along on a glorious day and before you were
gone I was crawling again.

These Last Few Days......

2005-08-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

Well, finished thesis and am super annoyed with myself because it was shit. I was, in my own impulsive way, not bothered whether it was shit once it was done. I am always annoyed after though! I had it done yesterday and my bro was driving me to the college to hand it when Bang.......a lorry crashed into us. I thought I was going to die, honestly I did. I just closed my eyes and said "That's it, goodbye then". My brother saved my life. I have absolutely no doubt I would have died had he not turned the car....a split second! I owe him.
I handed it in today then because I was just sooooooo sick of looking at it. Happy to be alive though. Slept like a log last night. These last few days!?

Jangling Nerves and Jiggin legs

2005-08-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Okay so in the last 5 days I have written 10 thousand words and have slept a total of 14 hours. At this present moment, my right leg is going a hundred miles an hour in an involuntary shake. I am outrageously sleep deprived and I cant eat anything.Next time I chat to you I will be released from my prison of words, from the shackle of books, from the manacles of alliteration, oxymorans, metaphors and other such academic bull. I am going to get disgustingly drunk. What will I do if I fail?

Stream of Consciousness

2005-08-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am soooooo tired. I need to sleep. Still have not started thesis yet. I am going to die of lack of activity, it is like suicide. I have not brushed my teeth in 2 days and there is a film on them now. I am filthy and must get the shit kicked out of me, or into me...whichever. For all I know I am dead already.
snow shoes
Candle wax
Bar tender
Street light
Boyfriend
holiday
swear word
Catskin
water duct
bed linen
eiderdown
foam party
beached whale
willie nelson
eardrum
sinide
ginger nuts
lemonade
big momma
swell
ponsetta
nagasaki
leitmotif
seersuker
ringo starr
francis
jog
rancour
lemongrass
tiddlywinks
raven
spike milligan
dingo's got me baby
china street
yellow bittern
rancid bacon
fish on a friday
the jewel in the crown
always keep a dime in your mind
take me home country roads
fetlock
bunched
kicking king
relativity
conglomorate
fizzy cola bottles and refresher bars
cavan cola
vanilla pod
jackie O
single malt whiskey
fading flower
bob dylan
under milk wood
uncle vanya
drug fuelled sex
helicopter
spring
jennifer, allison, phillipa, sue...I wrote this song for you!
life as we know it
dr. phil
dont let the sun go down on me
the waste land
silcocks base
ringworm
jaffa cakes
spoiler
juggernaut
slice of lemon
jingoism
robin cook
neverland
senorita
tricky
jaundice
fantabulous
joni mitchell teenage fanclub.
thanx 4 believin'

L'homage... Chesney Baker...yeah!

2005-08-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

"My funny Valentine, Sweet comic valentine. You make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable, yet your my favorite work of
art. Is your figure less than Greek?, is your mouth a little weak? When you oprn
it to speak, are you smart?
But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little
Valentine, stay. Each day is valentine's day."
That is my all time favourite song and it has to be sung by Chet Baker. He was a wild, wild, fabulous man, but crazy. I visited the hotel in Amsterdam where he was found out on the pavement after falling to his death from a top window. I sang the words real quiet in homage. He hated Stan Getz, Gerry Mulligan and Miles Davis. He loved Charlie 'Bird' Parker. He is more famous for his playing the horn than this song but for me that song is him. Rest in peace Chet, "Look for the silver lining".........

The Deadline Looms.........I Write to Right!

2005-08-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

Okay so it is about a week until Masters thesis is due. it is currently 6:02 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Most vicious of vicious circles. Every one is snoring in the house. I have 20,000 words to write in 1 week and I am soooo screwed! Nobody has actually asked me yet though I think they assume I am about half way there. To think how much I worried two months ago and I still have nothing done? I am sickened, disgusted and dissapointed at myself. I hate the fact that I never do things until the very last minute, like I get this adrenaline rush out of being up the creek without a paddle. I do and that is the pathetic thing of the whole sordid mess that is my foray into the life of academia. You see the thing I worry about is that when all this ends and everything I can write is written, what sort of shit will I be chasing then? Where will I sniff out my next rush?

I am a basically sound individual with one great flaw ('The fatal flaw'): I am antagonistic. That one flaw has cost me dearly. I am antagonistic in the most pure and undistilled way, I do not posess the genius, brilliance or perfection of noted antagonists. I am sloppy, average, not very hygenic, I talk with my mouth full, I never say the right thing, I can be over agreeable to compensate for hating the person I am being agreeable to, I am coarse when drunk, I go out of my way to fight with people for whom I have the greatest respect. I am ALWAYS late (I have lost manys the friend on that score) the list goes on. I am a thoroughly ingenuine person and it shows most of the time. I hope by writing this down I can somehow right it in some way. Accept the things I can change and have the knowledge to know the difference, blah, blah, blah...........I am working on it. You see? I would not have it any other way.

Just Do It

2005-08-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Harder to do
Than anything in my life.
I get up everyday at three
My mind splayed,
My brains all over the pillow.
Neck and shoulders are
Whiplash victims
Of their own stress.
Stress from what?
Stress from inability,
From lack of motivation.
From lack of responsilbility.
Can't care,
Won't care attitude,
Disposition.
No interest,
Buckets of ambition.
You see my quandry?
I always liked that word: "Quandry".
Catatonic state of mind.
It is due in 11 days.
20,000 words of nothing.
40 buckets of sweat.
93 barrels of coffee.
108 packets of crisps.
68 chocolate bars.
41 portions of egg fried rice.
76 fucks.
44 Vodka's and white.
76 hairs pulled out.
3 showers.
78 hours of music.
800 cigarettes smoked.
Check?
Check mate.
Average stuff.

The Dead Alive

2005-07-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

I heard you sing.
I cried.
You looked.
I stared back.
I seen your eyes.
Cold, unmoving.
Unnerving.
Unsafe.
I lost my life that night.

I took your hand.
We walked,
from the carnage of our lives.
Everyone scrambling for safety.
Petty bastards.
Crazy heads.
In that moment,
When your hand touched mine-
Ice cold,
I died with you.
I never seen it coming.

My life changed,
The worm turned,
I drank vodka
Like the masters once had.
The bastards!
My hands were warm
My voice was cold.
Black eyes.
Tepid smile.
Hateful countenance.
Oh, how you changed me.

You never blinked.
You lost me.
I lost my life.
We never found each other again.
I miss you now.
I mourn you.
I still drink vodka
But I will never know your ilk again.
I am safer though.
The dead alive'
The living dead.

Hold my hand again,
Take it!
I never left you.
We just got lost.
I stand in the field
And fatten the calf.
You will find me
We will lie togher
And you can close my eyes.

CRUSH

2005-07-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Crush me up in little bits
and scatter me along the road
where you walk.
In life you walked across me
So it does not matter now.

I think you have won
A shallow victory perhaps
but when all is said and done,
that's okay.
Have your cake and eat it.
If not, what's the point anyway

Well done, congrats'
You are snakish,
but thats what i admire.
My defense was an offense,
so really i won it for you.

Now you won't tell me things
I scoffed at you when you did.
You were always proving a point.
Why to me though.
I was never any good at perspective.

Take your coat love, you have pulled.
I love you and hate you for it.
Sleep easy tonight with your French bitch.
But bear in mind that even now,
I love you all the more.

You have won,
And I'm undone.

Visi D'arte

2005-07-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

I still see him.
Late at night his face appears
to tease me, and smirk.
Big moon face, packed with perversion.
The archtype. The fucking posterboy!

He slimed his way on top of me
and I played Callas in my head.
"Visi D'arte", I screamed in my brain.
I never uttered a word.
Did'nt even really feel it.

Could'nt tell ya if ya asked me.
But I remember his sound
like an asthmatic boar,
shuffling his weight around.
I said to myself,
"Is this what its like in the movies?
the way the women struggle for a minute,
then endure,
the burden of filth?"

I left first. It did'nt hurt.
I just walked out. I did'nt run.
It is like after a dog attacks you
remain calm.
They love fear.
That is why he picked me.
I played Callas in my head.
"VISI D'ARTE", I screamed,
as I crept into my bed.