These Last Few Days......

Well, finished thesis and am super annoyed with myself because it was shit. I was, in my own impulsive way, not bothered whether it was shit once it was done. I am always annoyed after though! I had it done yesterday and my bro was driving me to the college to hand it when Bang.......a lorry crashed into us. I thought I was going to die, honestly I did. I just closed my eyes and said "That's it, goodbye then". My brother saved my life. I have absolutely no doubt I would have died had he not turned the car....a split second! I owe him.
I handed it in today then because I was just sooooooo sick of looking at it. Happy to be alive though. Slept like a log last night. These last few days!?

Jangling Nerves and Jiggin legs

Okay so in the last 5 days I have written 10 thousand words and have slept a total of 14 hours. At this present moment, my right leg is going a hundred miles an hour in an involuntary shake. I am outrageously sleep deprived and I cant eat anything.Next time I chat to you I will be released from my prison of words, from the shackle of books, from the manacles of alliteration, oxymorans, metaphors and other such academic bull. I am going to get disgustingly drunk. What will I do if I fail?

Stream of Consciousness

I am soooooo tired. I need to sleep. Still have not started thesis yet. I am going to die of lack of activity, it is like suicide. I have not brushed my teeth in 2 days and there is a film on them now. I am filthy and must get the shit kicked out of me, or into me...whichever. For all I know I am dead already.
snow shoes
Candle wax
Bar tender
Street light
Boyfriend
holiday
swear word
Catskin
water duct
bed linen
eiderdown
foam party
beached whale
willie nelson
eardrum
sinide
ginger nuts
lemonade
big momma
swell
ponsetta
nagasaki
leitmotif
seersuker
ringo starr
francis
jog
rancour
lemongrass
tiddlywinks
raven
spike milligan
dingo's got me baby
china street
yellow bittern
rancid bacon
fish on a friday
the jewel in the crown
always keep a dime in your mind
take me home country roads
fetlock
bunched
kicking king
relativity
conglomorate
fizzy cola bottles and refresher bars
cavan cola
vanilla pod
jackie O
single malt whiskey
fading flower
bob dylan
under milk wood
uncle vanya
drug fuelled sex
helicopter
spring
jennifer, allison, phillipa, sue...I wrote this song for you!
life as we know it
dr. phil
dont let the sun go down on me
the waste land
silcocks base
ringworm
jaffa cakes
spoiler
juggernaut
slice of lemon
jingoism
robin cook
neverland
senorita
tricky
jaundice
fantabulous
joni mitchell teenage fanclub.
thanx 4 believin'

L'homage... Chesney Baker...yeah!

"My funny Valentine, Sweet comic valentine. You make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable, yet your my favorite work of
art. Is your figure less than Greek?, is your mouth a little weak? When you oprn
it to speak, are you smart?
But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little
Valentine, stay. Each day is valentine's day."

That is my all time favourite song and it has to be sung by Chet Baker. He was a wild, wild, fabulous man, but crazy. I visited the hotel in Amsterdam where he was found out on the pavement after falling to his death from a top window. I sang the words real quiet in homage. He hated Stan Getz, Gerry Mulligan and Miles Davis. He loved Charlie 'Bird' Parker. He is more famous for his playing the horn than this song but for me that song is him. Rest in peace Chet, "Look for the silver lining".........

The Deadline Looms.........I Write to Right!

Okay so it is about a week until Masters thesis is due. it is currently 6:02 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Most vicious of vicious circles. Every one is snoring in the house. I have 20,000 words to write in 1 week and I am soooo screwed! Nobody has actually asked me yet though I think they assume I am about half way there. To think how much I worried two months ago and I still have nothing done? I am sickened, disgusted and dissapointed at myself. I hate the fact that I never do things until the very last minute, like I get this adrenaline rush out of being up the creek without a paddle. I do and that is the pathetic thing of the whole sordid mess that is my foray into the life of academia. You see the thing I worry about is that when all this ends and everything I can write is written, what sort of shit will I be chasing then? Where will I sniff out my next rush?

I am a basically sound individual with one great flaw ('The fatal flaw'): I am antagonistic. That one flaw has cost me dearly. I am antagonistic in the most pure and undistilled way, I do not posess the genius, brilliance or perfection of noted antagonists. I am sloppy, average, not very hygenic, I talk with my mouth full, I never say the right thing, I can be over agreeable to compensate for hating the person I am being agreeable to, I am coarse when drunk, I go out of my way to fight with people for whom I have the greatest respect. I am ALWAYS late (I have lost manys the friend on that score) the list goes on. I am a thoroughly ingenuine person and it shows most of the time. I hope by writing this down I can somehow right it in some way. Accept the things I can change and have the knowledge to know the difference, blah, blah, blah...........I am working on it. You see? I would not have it any other way.

Just Do It

Harder to do
Than anything in my life.
I get up everyday at three
My mind splayed,
My brains all over the pillow.
Neck and shoulders are
Whiplash victims
Of their own stress.
Stress from what?
Stress from inability,
From lack of motivation.
From lack of responsilbility.
Can't care,
Won't care attitude,
Disposition.
No interest,
Buckets of ambition.
You see my quandry?
I always liked that word: "Quandry".
Catatonic state of mind.
It is due in 11 days.
20,000 words of nothing.
40 buckets of sweat.
93 barrels of coffee.
108 packets of crisps.
68 chocolate bars.
41 portions of egg fried rice.
76 fucks.
44 Vodka's and white.
76 hairs pulled out.
3 showers.
78 hours of music.
800 cigarettes smoked.
Check?
Check mate.
Average stuff.